Saturday, January 29, 2005

Why?

God is cruel and unjust. How else do you explain a 27 year old woman who was just married 3 months ago who develops a massive unresectable sarcoma of the neck invading major vessesl, the esophagus, and compromising her airway? Chances are the woman will never breathe on her own or eat again, let alone live with her new husband, catch butterflies with her children in a sunny garden, or sip tea and read the paper on a snowy winter day. If this case does not make you angry, then you have no soul.

There is more to the meaning and role of a physician than my attitude usually conveys. Regardless of the medical climate nowadays, the threat of malpractice, insurance companies dictating patient care, despite the cynicism and loss of commitment, there is a compassionate side of medicine that in moments does shine through and allows me to refocus on who I am as a physician.

I urge everyone to read the special health report section in the US news and world report. http://www.usnews.com/usnews/issue/050131/home.htm The US medical system is in serious trouble, and even as a fledgling intern I have serious resevations on how care will possibly be delivered in these next few decades. Thats a rant for another day.


Friday, January 28, 2005

Does Your Job Suck?

For every interesting job out there (like mine, or a food critic, race car driver, porn star, or hosting E!'s "Wild On" show) there are at least 20,000 boring, mundane jobs that involve sitting at a desk anwering the same phone day after day, trying to sell the same crap week after week, sucking up to the same people year after year. There are many times when I'm on my 89th hour of the work week, feeling like a zombie on my 27th straight hour when I am utterly hating my profession - but then thinking about some of the other jobs out there that would totally suck the life out of me, I feel blessed. It would however, be very nice to be a part time porn star part time race car driver.

Friday Afternoon

Ahhh its finally Friday. Getting out somewhat earlier for a change. Its funny how when I am in the hospital I'm yearning to as soon as possible as a major priority for most of the day, but then I get home, sit on my ass, doodle on the internet, watch some TV, and in general do absolutely nothing. Not like I have a hot passionate girlfriend waiting at home for me. Not like I have hordes of friends just waiting to hang out with me. Not like I have interesting hobbies I want to get back to. Nothing, really.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

My Romantic Endeavors

Have so far been quite dissapointing. 6 months in NYC, a handful of dates and random hookups, nothing to show for it. Rejections too many to count. Despite the rumors of throngs of young single women that would love to meet young single physicians, I find myself still alone 6 months later, with nary a relationship worth mentioning. Its only on occasion that I find myself wanting to be with sometime, those times when I have too much time to sit around and think. With family 10,000 miles away, good friends here but no serious confidant except KH who is not in the city, it would be nice to share parts of my life with sometime, and to get some support during the rough patches of internship. Some lovin would definately ease the pain too.

I would be SO MUCH more productive if my mind was not constantly thinking about woman and sex. As intelligent and in control as I think I am, I cannot divert my attention to other productive matters, say, reading to make myself a better doctor. If the collective men worldwide took all the time, energy, and money spent thinking about and pursuing women and devoted it to productivity, we would be living in a social utopia with human colonies on Mars a thousand years ago.

Need to Get Better at This

Hmm haven't posted in a while. I need to be a little more diligent here. A recap of the past 2 weeks - my birthday passed in nice quiet non-fanfare, just the way I wanted it. My very good girl friend did remember to call me though, and that means a lot to me. My sister and parents remembered too, which is expected, but assholes like me forget their birthdays all the time.

26 years old now. Despite being a physician and feeling like I made all the correct choices in life so far, I still have this feeling that I don't have much to show for myself in life. This is the primary reason that I don't tell people about my birthday. What have I accomplished so far thats worth celebrating? I have some medical school debt, don't make enough money now to support myself let alone my parents who paid 250,000 for my education, don't have enough training to practice any kind of medicine yet. So far I have been a leech to my parents and to society, and I have nothing to offen in return yet. So there is absolutely no reason in my opinion to celebrate ME. Perhaps when I feel some more accomplishment in life, perhaps a successful career or family, will I feel like I deserve some laud.

My life so far has been easy. College, medical school, and so far internship have been smooth sailing. Not only did I have early acceptance to medical school which took off all the stress of hauling ass in college, I didn't have to pay for any of it either. My parents did. I am relieved of the tremendous burden of the quarter million dollar education that I do not have to pay back. I have had to bear almost no responsibility so far to anyone but myself. When these confounding factors are taken away, life becomes much simpler, to the extent that I have not felt stressed or burdened throughout medical school and even now as an intern. I am truly blessed, and I know not to take it for granted. Thank my parents first and foremost, thank the Gods, and my good fortune.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Online Dating

Went out on a date last Wednesday night with a woman I met on match dot com. She had initially winked at me, and sent me an email with a whole bunch of her pictures attached. She had seemed quite attractive from the pictures, but when I met with her I was pretty dissapointed. The date well, was terrible. I was totally not feeling any chemistry, even in my "I'm desperate I'll date anything with two breasts and a heartbeat" state. 1. We had initially planned to meet in Union Sq., she gives me a call an hour before and states that she "lost her metrocard" and I should meet her by City Hall by where she lives. Is this not the LAMEST excuse you have ever heard? 2. She looked quite hideous, especially her mottled dirty brown hair tied in pigtails on the side and clipped back in front with these ugly black paperclips. I could not get over starting at her dirty hair half the time. Plus she had bad skin. Didn't look like she made any effort to look halfway decent. 3. She suggested this terrible mexican restaurant that was little more than a tex-mex stand. Conversation flowed freely, but being that I have absolutely nothing in common with her except for our age, it was honestly boring me by the time appetizers came. Being from Switzerland and having lived in SF and NYC, you would expect someone so well traveled in amazing countries and cities to be wordly with interesting stories to tell, but she sat there dull as a rock. Needless to say, I will not be talking to her again.

What a waste of an evening. Lets see if the next ones get any better.

On Call

Saturday calls are the worst. 30 hours in row starting Saturday morning at 7 AM just totally ruins your weekend. Plus you have to come back Monday morning - its as if you didn't have a weekend at all. By the end of the second week when you haven't had a single day off in 14 days or more, time prolongs and you start feeling like you are living in a capsule. Hour 12 for me right now, only 18 more to go! ICU call is tough, very sick patients that constantly require your attention. Plus I have to cover the entire unit myself, it can get very hectic, especially when someone starts crashing.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Why are you here?

I just checked my site stats and there are actually people that read this trash. Very scary indeed. I don't have the time or energy to post everyday, nor do I feel like being all gramatically and alphabetically correct. Perhaps this should just be what I had intended it to be in the first place - a dairy of my lame life. I don't have some profound shit to drum up every day ya know?

Aight

Back to the grind. Back in the ICU. Sick sick patients, but it does come down to the basics of medicine and physiology. Hemodynamics, respiratory function, how to keep a person alive in the most basic terms. None of this alcohol detox lets spend half a day on the phone with social work or trying to discharge the vented vegetative chronically infected 95 yr old whom the nursing home and ED have been playing ping pong with 8 times in the past 3 months.

There's a 30 year old 3rd year tall blond attractive female medical student on the service now. She is considering medicine or pediatrics. I am trying to talk her out of a life of misery. Too bad I didn't catch her 4 years earlier and strongly advise her to marry a rich dude instead.




Thursday, January 06, 2005

MmMmMmMm

My 2 newest addictions: Nutella and Orangina. Orangina is like liquid crack. I just.... can't.... stop.... I wonder if Fentanyl is kinda like that. And Nutella, man I can eat anything dipped in that, even like, kimchee.

The weather here has been dreary and miserable for the past few days. I haven't seen the sun in 72 hours! This coupled with the fact that my life is miserable is really putting a dark black cloud over my psyche. Time to start prozac people. Or maybe i'll go drink some another 2 liters of orangina and eat a cow dipped in nutella.

Never Ceases to Amaze Me

How many people are out drinking and partying on a random Wednesday night when its 20 degrees and snowing outside. Actually had a pretty good night, went out to a local bar with my buddy and met up with these 2 girls from the hospital. They were really fun and friendly. The hot one of course, had a boyfriend and was going to Brazil with him in a week.

Thats going to be my deal from now on. No expectations. Just go out, have a beer, relax, even if I don't meet any women it can still be a decent time. I think I am trying to hard right now - maybe it will just come when i'm least expecting anything.

And this whole online dating thing, not working at all for me. Thats a story for another time.

Good night!

Monday, January 03, 2005

To All the Premeds -

DON'T DO IT!!! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!! Unless you are starting medical school before you are 25, and ideally right after college, you should forget about it. Unless you were destined to be some big shot CT surgeon when you were 8 and life would be utterly incomplete if you weren't the chair at Hopkins some day, forget about it. If you are just looking for a job that pays well in the future, forget about it. 7-12 years of the best years in your life spent in misery. 150k in debt. There are easier ways.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Back to the Grind

Back to work tomorrow. Maybe with less time on my hands I'll stop having the time to think about why I'm all pissed and bored and lonely half the time. I love my life and hate it at the same time. Is this possible?

This City is Totally Fucked Up

6 months here and I'm already a greedy, conniving, jaded asshole.

Thats what happens when you are constantly reminded of the things you don't have, money you can never make, social status you can never achieve, tiny apartments that cost 2 mil. And nowhere does it happen more than in NYC. Wealth and snobbery are thrown in your face at all times. Women at the gym check out the size of each other's rocks. The quantity of dead animal on a coat. The face lifts and breast jobs. Skilless little fucks who sit on trust funds and truly believe they are better than everyone else. Its present everywhere, but in a city where people are forced to walk talk breathe live in such proximity, everything is magnified.

I'll play the game.

Am I happy making my 7 bucks an hour right now? Yes. Would I do anything else? No.


Why am I wasting my time?

Pick up any yellow pages. There must be 100 pages advertising escort services. I had previously wondered - is there really this kind of demand out there to justify this? Of course there this. Simple economics of supply and demand. I was lying in bed last night thinking about this, after another unfruitful night tooling around this city.

For every 350 dollars that I have spent buying grey goose and red bulls, cabs every weekend around town, cover charges for clubs, I could of been guaranteed what ultimately every guy is looking for on these nights. All those hours wasted in random bars killing my liver trying to pick up women seems quite retarded.

Belledejour dot net. Gorgeous women, most of whom I would never have a chance in real life with. Or would end up spending easily 3x the time and money trying for the same results.

A good hour of entertainment in this city is easily 350 dollars. Just wining and dining a potential date for an evening can easily set you back this amount. I certainly can't afford it on my measly salary, but I have friends who make enough money to have escorts around him 24/7.

My conclusion is this: If more men could afford it, everyone would be doing it. People can get over the stigma of paying for sex quite fast. You pay for all your other entertainment in life, why not sex? Guaranteed sex, guaranteed no wasting of your time getting drunk and hitting on random even ugly women at bars and getting your ass denied and your ego bruised.

Perhaps my thinking is all out of sexual frustration. It sure has been an dry few months for me....

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy Fucking New Years

Went to this amazing swank loft in Chelsea last night for new years. Despite being promised a fantastic ratio, the women there were truly dissapointing. Come on now, despite me having literally no standards now I still can't find a girl for a little new years nookie?

The guys there were actually very cool. Met a couple that I'd like to party with in the future. Stayed relatively sober last night - a good thing since day post Christmas I spent the night worshipping the porcelain goddess.

My friend was a total dick last night after we had left. In order to prove to himself that he could find a girl on new years he picks up these random 2 skanky 18 yr olds off the street corner, and proceeds to act like a greasy old man cruising the high school playgrounds at this local pizza joint. I ditched and went home. Myself, but with dignity.

My resolutions for new years, immortalized in text
1. Eat better
2. Exercise more
3. Talk to my parents more
4. Hang out with my sister more
5. More confidence talking to women
6. Developing a healthier perspective on life and money in this super-jaded city