Saturday, March 19, 2005

Saturday Musings

So - update on the dating life. Earlier this week went down and visited the pediatrics chica after she had gotten back from a pretty hellish day at work. Brought 2 beers, chatted for around an hour (polite, almost too nice conversation), but again, I feel like I am getting no closer to her than when we first went out. Noticed a dozen gorgeous long stemmed red roses in a vase on her coffee table. When I slyly mentioned "nice flowers!" she only replied "well a girl needs her flowers!". Between this and the mentions of going out to dinner with a "friend" a few times, and the days and days before she returns a phone call, I figure she is dating someone else. Why won't she come out and just tell me or give me some more definitive hints? She knows I am into her. Annoying/Aggravting. Anyways, I have put her on the back burner for now while I pursue two other promising dates I went out on Wednesday and Thursday nights. I'll write on them later, but for now have to attend a fellow colleagues birthday party! Haven't gone out in a while, so tonight should be fun! Some wine should be good for me...

Monday, March 14, 2005

Happy Days! Happy Days!

Today is a happy day. First, I am on my first day of Anesthesiology as part of my intern year rotations, in my own department, with my own peeps, with my own attendings (even though none of them know me). The one time this year where I am "home". Attended 3 hours of lecture this morning, on cardiac physiology and most of it very useful, on the utility and function of the Swan Ganz PA catheter in clinical situations. Afterwards, they sent me home! Hence the blogging at 2 pm.

Once again, can't believe the year has gone by so fast! Unbelievable. After these 3 weeks in Anesthesiology, I only have 5 weeks of surgery (bleh), 3 weeks of ER (even more bleh), and 3 weeks of NICU (mini bleh), and 2 weeks of vacation (YIPPEEE!!). And spring is just around the corner. All of which adds up to a happy me, after finishing 9 straight weeks of ICU.

As for an update on my love life - things have been of uber molassas quality with the pediatric intern. I call her, and get a response 5 days later. The messages however, are sweet and sound like she is still interested. Therefore I have no idea what the situation is. Things can't be going that well however, if a girl is waiting days and days to get back to me, regardless of how busy she is. So here is the summary of this relationship:

Boy meets girl with her friend in my lobby (girl lives in same building, 100 ft apart, 2 floors down)

Boy talks to girl briefly at hospital resident get together at local bar. Girl spends rest of night talking to asshole surgery resident (ASR) who has live in girlfriend but still trying to hit on her

Boy gets invited to girl's birthday dinner week later, ASR is sitting rigth next to her, I sit on the other side and we vye for her attention all night long. She splits time 50/50, friends tell me she's interested in me.

Boy plays phone tag with girl for week and a half. She cooes "look forward to hearing from you when I get back!"

Girl goes to California for week and a half

Boy calls girl, have nice 30 minute conversation, asks for date and is granted without hesitation

Boy and girl have excellent date (see previous posts) but nothing occurs (no motion to kiss, hold hands etc)

Girl calls boy next day to thank for date

Boy calls girl saying "I burned you a CD of the jazz you liked at my place for your evening runs by the river, let me know if I can fix your Ipod"

Girl is on night float for a week, calls back 5 days later saying "you are so sweet and considerate, blah blah blah, call me back"

Boy calls girl back the same day, twiddles thumbs for few days waiting for response (none yet), and writes this blog.

Well, it feels good that I wrote this all down. Does anyone from an outside perspective know how to read this? BTW, boy has nice abs.

Hello Jill!

First of all, I want to thank Jill M for her very thoughtful and sincere email. Jill - if you are reading this, I wish you the best of luck in the rest of your burgeoning medical career. It seems like you are truly going into it for the right reasons, which many of us have lost sight of in the grueling process of residency. How many people spend their vacations volunteering in a foreign country to set up orphanages? You are truly a better person than me, and probably 99% of schmucks out there.

When counseling potential medical students, I generally discourage them and tell them to do something else with their life, unless they have a compelling story or heartfelt reason to be a physician. Jill - you would win over any medical school admission with your story - it was certainly better than mine, just out of high school at age 16 with zero experience in real life doing it because my daddy told me so. Lets face it, you don't know shit when you are 16. Now at 26 (sheesh i'm old), I look back and wonder what might of been if I wasn't in an accelerated medical program. Any regrets? Absolutely not - I believe I am good at what I do and so far very content with my life. I probably would of been a good engineer or pianist. I was not "destined" to be in medicine.

Jill - you might be 35 with 200k in debt with a child you did not see much growing up when all is said and done, but know that I support you!

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Update Part II

In terms of my personal life, I believe I have finally settled into a social niche that I am comfortable with. A group of reliable friends and a big improvement in my love life. No girlfriend yet, but I have been dating quite a lot. When it rains, it pours. After going through quite a dry spell, I am currently dating 3-4 women, thanks also in help to online service. Out of the 3 I am truly interested in considering a relationship with one of them, a fellow intern at my hospital. We went out on a fabulous date to a great sushi restaurant in Midtown this past week, which I have been wanting to take her to for a while now. She is gorgeous, smart, and our conversation flowed as freely as the bottle of wine prior and the 2 bottles of sake during dinner. The only issue is how busy she is and how slow this whole courting process has become - I've known her for a few months now and was only able to finally get a date this week. Now she is on night floats until Saturday morning and won't be available until next week. She's worth the pursuit however! I feel like with the other women I'm seeing are just biding my time until something truly fantastic comes along. Not like I have anything better to do!

Long Overdue Update

Wow its been over a month since I've written an entry. Things have been going well since I last wrote, and perhaps that is why I feel less compelled to rant and rave. First of all, I really can't believe its already March and I'm 3 months from completing my internship! Hooray for me. I can honestly say that this year has been fantastic for me, only in a few occasions have I truly felt stressed out and unhappy. Not to say that my internship is without problems, I feel at times as a transitional intern we can get lost in the fray due to not belonging to any specific department. I must however say that the ICU feels like home to me, now that I've done 9 straight weeks of it. On my hours log I average 70 hours a week, which is great in comparison to any ICUs out there, but I have to say that I've logged a tremendous amount of sleep debt over these months. In general however, my colleagues are excellent, most of the nursing and attending staff in the ICU is excellent, which makes these 630 hours seem a lot more bearable.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Why?

God is cruel and unjust. How else do you explain a 27 year old woman who was just married 3 months ago who develops a massive unresectable sarcoma of the neck invading major vessesl, the esophagus, and compromising her airway? Chances are the woman will never breathe on her own or eat again, let alone live with her new husband, catch butterflies with her children in a sunny garden, or sip tea and read the paper on a snowy winter day. If this case does not make you angry, then you have no soul.

There is more to the meaning and role of a physician than my attitude usually conveys. Regardless of the medical climate nowadays, the threat of malpractice, insurance companies dictating patient care, despite the cynicism and loss of commitment, there is a compassionate side of medicine that in moments does shine through and allows me to refocus on who I am as a physician.

I urge everyone to read the special health report section in the US news and world report. http://www.usnews.com/usnews/issue/050131/home.htm The US medical system is in serious trouble, and even as a fledgling intern I have serious resevations on how care will possibly be delivered in these next few decades. Thats a rant for another day.


Friday, January 28, 2005

Does Your Job Suck?

For every interesting job out there (like mine, or a food critic, race car driver, porn star, or hosting E!'s "Wild On" show) there are at least 20,000 boring, mundane jobs that involve sitting at a desk anwering the same phone day after day, trying to sell the same crap week after week, sucking up to the same people year after year. There are many times when I'm on my 89th hour of the work week, feeling like a zombie on my 27th straight hour when I am utterly hating my profession - but then thinking about some of the other jobs out there that would totally suck the life out of me, I feel blessed. It would however, be very nice to be a part time porn star part time race car driver.

Friday Afternoon

Ahhh its finally Friday. Getting out somewhat earlier for a change. Its funny how when I am in the hospital I'm yearning to as soon as possible as a major priority for most of the day, but then I get home, sit on my ass, doodle on the internet, watch some TV, and in general do absolutely nothing. Not like I have a hot passionate girlfriend waiting at home for me. Not like I have hordes of friends just waiting to hang out with me. Not like I have interesting hobbies I want to get back to. Nothing, really.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

My Romantic Endeavors

Have so far been quite dissapointing. 6 months in NYC, a handful of dates and random hookups, nothing to show for it. Rejections too many to count. Despite the rumors of throngs of young single women that would love to meet young single physicians, I find myself still alone 6 months later, with nary a relationship worth mentioning. Its only on occasion that I find myself wanting to be with sometime, those times when I have too much time to sit around and think. With family 10,000 miles away, good friends here but no serious confidant except KH who is not in the city, it would be nice to share parts of my life with sometime, and to get some support during the rough patches of internship. Some lovin would definately ease the pain too.

I would be SO MUCH more productive if my mind was not constantly thinking about woman and sex. As intelligent and in control as I think I am, I cannot divert my attention to other productive matters, say, reading to make myself a better doctor. If the collective men worldwide took all the time, energy, and money spent thinking about and pursuing women and devoted it to productivity, we would be living in a social utopia with human colonies on Mars a thousand years ago.

Need to Get Better at This

Hmm haven't posted in a while. I need to be a little more diligent here. A recap of the past 2 weeks - my birthday passed in nice quiet non-fanfare, just the way I wanted it. My very good girl friend did remember to call me though, and that means a lot to me. My sister and parents remembered too, which is expected, but assholes like me forget their birthdays all the time.

26 years old now. Despite being a physician and feeling like I made all the correct choices in life so far, I still have this feeling that I don't have much to show for myself in life. This is the primary reason that I don't tell people about my birthday. What have I accomplished so far thats worth celebrating? I have some medical school debt, don't make enough money now to support myself let alone my parents who paid 250,000 for my education, don't have enough training to practice any kind of medicine yet. So far I have been a leech to my parents and to society, and I have nothing to offen in return yet. So there is absolutely no reason in my opinion to celebrate ME. Perhaps when I feel some more accomplishment in life, perhaps a successful career or family, will I feel like I deserve some laud.

My life so far has been easy. College, medical school, and so far internship have been smooth sailing. Not only did I have early acceptance to medical school which took off all the stress of hauling ass in college, I didn't have to pay for any of it either. My parents did. I am relieved of the tremendous burden of the quarter million dollar education that I do not have to pay back. I have had to bear almost no responsibility so far to anyone but myself. When these confounding factors are taken away, life becomes much simpler, to the extent that I have not felt stressed or burdened throughout medical school and even now as an intern. I am truly blessed, and I know not to take it for granted. Thank my parents first and foremost, thank the Gods, and my good fortune.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Online Dating

Went out on a date last Wednesday night with a woman I met on match dot com. She had initially winked at me, and sent me an email with a whole bunch of her pictures attached. She had seemed quite attractive from the pictures, but when I met with her I was pretty dissapointed. The date well, was terrible. I was totally not feeling any chemistry, even in my "I'm desperate I'll date anything with two breasts and a heartbeat" state. 1. We had initially planned to meet in Union Sq., she gives me a call an hour before and states that she "lost her metrocard" and I should meet her by City Hall by where she lives. Is this not the LAMEST excuse you have ever heard? 2. She looked quite hideous, especially her mottled dirty brown hair tied in pigtails on the side and clipped back in front with these ugly black paperclips. I could not get over starting at her dirty hair half the time. Plus she had bad skin. Didn't look like she made any effort to look halfway decent. 3. She suggested this terrible mexican restaurant that was little more than a tex-mex stand. Conversation flowed freely, but being that I have absolutely nothing in common with her except for our age, it was honestly boring me by the time appetizers came. Being from Switzerland and having lived in SF and NYC, you would expect someone so well traveled in amazing countries and cities to be wordly with interesting stories to tell, but she sat there dull as a rock. Needless to say, I will not be talking to her again.

What a waste of an evening. Lets see if the next ones get any better.

On Call

Saturday calls are the worst. 30 hours in row starting Saturday morning at 7 AM just totally ruins your weekend. Plus you have to come back Monday morning - its as if you didn't have a weekend at all. By the end of the second week when you haven't had a single day off in 14 days or more, time prolongs and you start feeling like you are living in a capsule. Hour 12 for me right now, only 18 more to go! ICU call is tough, very sick patients that constantly require your attention. Plus I have to cover the entire unit myself, it can get very hectic, especially when someone starts crashing.